[Special (early) Interview #2]: My Mom, The Accidental Hero

Now, I would be lying if I said conducting this interview would be a difficult exchange of words. But when you have spent 23 years of your life under the same roof with someone, it's almost too easy. With that being said, I'd rather have an hour long conversation with my Mom than have none at all. Her insight, humor, and poise is one to be admired and even envied at times. And sometimes I am (un)lucky enough to catch her crude jokes, though she wont admit to making them.

"You seriously don't know my birthday?" She asks, amused, and I agree easily. "I don't even remember my own birthday." Is all I say as I scribble her response down. Things like this are easy between us. She accepts my flaws (such as my inability to remember numbers) as "quirks" or "what makes me different". And thank goodness for it, I have a lot of  "quirks".

Her birthday, however, February 21st, (she gave me the wrong year). Her name is Patti. She was born in New York, and has lived here her whole life. She grew up with her Mother, Father, and two Sisters. 

After some initial difficulty, she began to open up. My Mom likes talking, she is Italian after all. Though with personal questions, it can take a bit of gentle prying.

Though, When I ask her to look at herself through someone elses eyes and describe her personality,  she answers quickly. Something I wasn't expecting. "Loving, caring, fun. Because I am." And truly, she really is.

I, as her child, wanted to know many things. I also wanted her to see her own worth within her own thoughts and words. I asked, "What are you proud of?" her first response is "I know every line of Criminal Minds, Seasons 1-8." After a mutual laugh of un-surprise, she answers;

"I'm most proud of my kids."

This answer does not shock me, as through out our shared lives she has made major sacrifices in order to give us, her children, a fulfilling life filled with wisdom and insight and most of all, humor. Even when things seemed to have hit rock bottom. Which they have. Many times. But she never forgets to embrace her children and remind us how proud she is. How special we all are individually. 

"How long did you want to be a mother?" I ask. "I guess since I was three. I have always wanted to be a mother, always. A nurse and a mommy."

I have always wondered if it was harder than she first anticipated before having the three of us, so curiosity got the better of me.

"No, it was easier. Easier than I thought I would be." She says with a comfortable confidence, as if this was meant to be what she was doing

"The only thing I would change about raising the three of you is making sure your brother was still here."



In August of 2012, my family lost my brother and my best friend. He passed early in the morning, and the wounds are still clearly seen on the four of us who survived. But with a mother, I do not understand that pain. She is open with her grief. Her pain. Letting the world know, as it should know, that they lost a fighter that day. That he will not be forgotten. She will not let the world forget. And I admire her for it.

"The biggest obstacle I have faced... Peter."  Did you feel brave, I ask, truly wanting to know. She replies,

"Some days I do. Most days I don't."

Now I will explain something here as this is such a personal topic. My Mom is brave. Not some days, all days. When all was lost she carried on with a grace she will not accept but a grace that has to be seen to be understood. She did not waver in fear, no. She embraced my sister and I in a time of horror and kept us going. Made sure my sister got a 3.4 GPA and that I would find my calling, direction. And we both have.

"I'm most proud of my kids, first of all. My jobs. I loved my jobs. I feel proud of my accomplishments. My whole life revolves around you guys." There is a moment of hesitation before she speaks. 

"Maybe I wasn't the best one to do this (interview). But I am very proud of being an excellent mother."

"The work you did, do you think most people could do your job?" I ask knowing the intensity of the work she did. 
"No. You need a lot of patience. A lot of patience."

My Mom worked with the cognitive disabled community. When I say I have never seen someone love their jobs so purely, I mean it. She spoiled each and everyone she supported. Their pictures grace our fridge filled with old family portraits. She has mourned individual deaths that took place even after she left her job over two years ago. She put her heart and soul into her work, into advocating and protecting those kids from harm and mistreatment. And many, many people are thankful for that.

Now, to lighten the mood. I asked the question many people who follow my social media want to know. "So, when did you get into loving cows?"

"Oh god, I was little. Ten or Twelve. I really, really got into it when I was twenty-one. They are so fucking cute. They have gorgeous eyes. I will always stop the car for cows." This answer doesn't surprise me. Our house is filled nearly to the brim of cow memorabilia. From collectible statues, to salt shakers, kitchen signs, milk bottles, sun catchers, mugs, framed and hung paintings, slippers, stickers, tins, sound makers.... It's one of my favorite things about her. Her collections. How she displays them without giving a single damn of what someone may say, because she knows how happy it makes her. She reminds me to smile about the simple things. Through, yes, cows.

"I look up to my mother," She shares after another question is created off the top of my head, "She doesn't give me the answers, she makes me figure out the answers. She doesn't tell me what to do, but supports me in what I do. She came from sixteen, living with a baby and an abusive person, and look at where she is now. That's pure strength. That's why when you said 'do you think I am brave' it through me off, I don't think I'm brave. I think I'm strong because I wake up every morning."

"Abso-fucking-loutely", she answers when asked "Do you feel you did a good job raising us?"

"I am a god damn good mother. I am an awesome mother. I love to take care of people. I wanted you all to learn to be kind, always. To always say 'I love you'. Never hit first. Be independent, do not think you need to depend on anyone. I never wanted you to be judgmental, people are people. Race, disability, anything. I wanted you all to accept everyone. People are people."

"If you were to be a force of nature?"
 "Uhm... The ocean or fire."
 "Why both?"

 "Because I've risen out of the ashes so many times I would be fire."

I didn't ask her the typical questions I will ask in future interviews. This one is special, and having her as my Mom I can say that we should follow someone like this by example. Her life was never simple, there were times filled with major pain and loss. But she continuously rises again, and again. She built a home where all three of her children were embraced for their differences, their abilities. She fostered room for growth and self discovery, never wavering in her love and support. She has raised two ill children, and stood by our sides, always offering a hand to hold. 

If there is one person I can even begin to fathom being like as I grow, it would be her.  I want to be able to love something as much as she loves being a mother, her children. This life has been a battle field even on it's good days, and she has risen bravely to each and every occasion. 

She became The Accidental Hero in all of this. Saving more lives than she knows, healing wounds pitched so deeply within others. All while rising again and again. 

I am so incredibly lucky to have been raised by such a force of nature. There hasn't been a day in my almost twenty-four years where I haven't felt loved by her, or haven't felt admiration for her. 

Mom, I love you. Thank you for being my hero.

- Spencer