[Personal Post #2] I Am Right Because I Am Wrong

Like many people my age I have struggled with ideas of being "right". Good. Worthy. How these connect to my physical and mental being, and then what to do with them. It is a difficult journey. Being told at sixteen to have your life sorted out by the time that you are eighteen, be well, be vibrant, get a job, get married, get old. If you are a human on this planet, which I am assuming you are as you found my silly little blog, you know life is never so gracefully linear. 

age 16

I have spent twenty-three years believing I was simply "wrong". Then again, such a thought it is hard to avoid when you are riddled with mental illness, and later on, physical illness. I did not believe I was worth much at all. At seventeen my friends had their lives sorted out (or they were brilliant actors) while I struggled with the idea of picking one line of study to follow through for 4+ years. I did not offer the shine of a promising student, but rather of a person with no direction at all. Instead of being told that this was okay, I was constantly tossed and pushed into positions that made me uncomfortable and feel "less than". I have felt less than more often then I have felt of any worth at all. 

And this wasn't my fault. Not all of it, at least. I was never told being "wrong" can be good. 

I may not have had a path, no. But not having a path lead me to

age 16

forge one for myself. It has given me the time and space to further my self education, self analysis, and most importantly, self love. I remember at sixteen I wanted to be a photographer. At seventeen I wanted to be a nurse. At eighteen I wanted to study art. At nineteen I dabbled in the idea of becoming a special education teacher. At twenty, I had no idea what to be. What I wanted to be. 

I am not sharing this as a pity story, no. Rather a story that embraces sense of self and love for ones own indecisiveness. We are constantly told that "Not Knowing" is a dangerous path. That we will find constant unhappiness. Because we are wrong in a world that is meant to be filled with people that fall into the grouping of "right". Automatically instilling that these people should be those we look up to for guidance and never ask questions. This is dangerous, as then we must question if we ever are truly being ourselves. Being true to the person we know we are, even if we don't show it yet. 

I am right because I am wrong. 

age 20

In all my wrongness, I found my path. It wasn't easy, granted. I took my time, though. In that time I used accessible and free education to my hearts content, studying maps to medical ethics all the way to writing for scientific papers. I became engaged not just with the material, but with who I am as a person. From all of these classes I learned I am curious. I take interest in protecting others and caring for them to the fullest extent. And well, it also solidified my love for maps and geography. 

Suddenly I found myself in class and training to become a crisis counselor and advocate for victims of abuse and assault. I blog and interview people because I want so badly to learn more about the people I inhabit this earth with, and I want others to know about them, and it is truly a fulfilling practice. I feel at home here. My calling didn't call out for me, I found it with patience and self identification of my own needs. No one lead me here. Not a teacher, a friend. I did. All because I was so wrong for so many years. 

age 23

I still may be wrong. Though in my wrongness I found my rightfulness. I had to become my own compass. More importantly, I became my own role model. Something that is rarely shared to our younger generations. Love yourself. Listen to yourself. Follow what feels right to you, even if it seems wrong to those who simply don't understand. 

I am right because I am wrong. I am happy because I was wrong for so long, that now I know what being sure of myself feels like. What it means. The weight it bears. 

And I am happy here. 

- Spencer